“I wish we could have civil conversations to discuss an issue and share perspectives. That doesn’t seem to be possible anymore.”

I have heard this, and similar words spoken by people who desire a welcoming environment to talk about various issues of our day (usually hot-button issues) with greater tolerance, humility, grace and compassion to hear and understand one another’s viewpoints without being ‘canceled’ by friends, family members and colleagues. Having such a space is in part why CMDA created this Point of Medicine forum to welcome various perspectives in healthcare (particularly on bioethical issues) with “the hope to educate, encourage and equip healthcare professionals and the Church” in a way that glorifies God.

How can believers set the example of glorifying God in our conversations where opposing viewpoints arise and still maintain peace without divorcing ourselves from our beliefs or position? How can we disagree well?

I have a few recommendations for us in how we can disagree well and love others. This subject greatly interests me as God has long placed it upon my heart to be a peacemaker—not necessarily a peacekeeper—in my dialoguing with others who bring differing viewpoints.

1. Be Committed to Maintaining Unity. Particularly within the body of Christ, Ephesians 4:3 says, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (NIV). This calls for a diligent, intentional effort to be an active participant in maintaining the unity that we as believers share through the Holy Spirit. This does not mean we are homogenous in our thinking but that we are united in our love for Christ and our love for each other. In John 17:21, Jesus prayed for His followers to be one “as He and the Father are one”—that we would intentionally pursue harmony with one another—which is also a powerful witness to the world.

2. Establish the Purpose of the Conversation. There have been times where I was speaking with someone thinking we were simply having a conversation—only to see that their intent was to debate or strong-arm me to see the issue their way—and only their way. We obviously had different intents and expectations about the conversation. From the book, Humble Inquiry (2021, 2nd Edition) by Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein, they explain that in any conversation it is important to understand the purpose of it. Is the purpose of the conversation to get information about something you don’t know or need to know about? Is the purpose to chit-chat, seek wise counsel, or to show off your smarts? Your intent of the conversation will absolutely frame your attitude and determine how close you want to remain with the other person. Asking this question of ourselves will also help set our heart posture—particularly with those who we desire to remain in relationship and unity and to see conversations progress into something more meaningful (even if they are hard conversations) as we learn from them and they learn from us.

3. Ask Questions, Have a Humble Curiosity. None of us know everything. Humble Inquiry encourages “the gentle art of asking instead of telling,” by asking questions. Asking questions provides more context to another person’s values, beliefs, life experiences, etc., that without such information would hinder our ability to reach people where they are. The authors write, “Humble Inquiry is not just asking questions; it is a total attitude that includes listening more deeply to how others respond to our inquiry, responding appropriately, and revealing more of ourselves in the relationship building process.” This humble inquiry approach allows us to slow down, to really hear and see others before barreling in with our position only. Simple questions like: “Why do you believe that?” or “Tell me more” extend the conversation and shows that you care. We should be curious as the other person is beloved by God and made imago Dei just like us.

4. We Can Disagree and That is Okay. Even if we’ve correctly set our heart posture and have asked questions to better understand, we may still disagree on the issue being discussed. That is okay. You are not enemies for disagreeing. Another book, Confident Pluralism: Surviving and Thriving through Deep Indifference (2018) by John D. Inazu, says “we can and must live together peaceably in spite of deep and sometimes irresolvable differences over politics, religion, sexuality and other important matters. We can do so in two important ways—by insisting on constitutional commitments that honor and protect difference and by embodying tolerance, humility, and patience in our speech, our collective action (protests, strikes and boycotts), and our relationships across difference. Confident pluralism depends on you and me. We will need to figure out how to practice civic friendship with one another.” May we work to find common ground even when we cannot agree on a common good.

No doubt, we have seen the uprising and clinging to of the “identity kingdoms” we’ve established—our institutions, strongly held ideologies, opinions, tentpoles, insecurities, fears and zero-sum viewpoints. These “kingdoms” quite often conflict with God’s kingdom. It is unclear to me how clinging to any of these reaches others. If we are truly living out the gospel, we should be extended out of tribalism. This does not mean weakening our faith in Christ or our belonging in His kingdom.

To disagree well with others and to live in unity with the body of Christ, I ask:

Are we willing to surrender any and all of these “kingdoms” we’ve constructed to extend ourselves to the other person? Can we speak without seeing the ‘other’ as our enemy? Can we forgo spoiling for a debate? Will we deny ourselves the right to be right and be ready to lose whatever we might lose, so we aren’t ensnared by division? Who knows? Maybe the other person will eventually see Christ in you.

I pray we will move heaven and earth to make that happen.