Daniel and I met in 2005 in Costa Rica after completing our undergraduate programs. He felt the Lord’s calling to Costa Rica to work at a medical clinic before beginning medical school. I also had a clear calling from the Lord to serve at a missionary kid school. I am not exaggerating when I say after our first meeting, we both knew we would get married. He was the godly man I had always prayed for. We shared dreams and desires. We were passionate about plenty of the same things—Spanish, missionary kids and families, serving the homeless. His desire to someday be a healthcare missionary perfectly fit my desire to be a missionary in some capacity.

 

At that time, everything I owned fit into two suitcases, and I was carefree. Once we decided to get married, he applied to medical school at Michigan State University and was accepted! Our plan was to finish our term in Costa Rica, move to Michigan (where my entire family was located), fix up an old farmhouse on my parents’ land (to live rent free), get married and start medical school.

 

Reality set in soon after moving back home. We had five months to remodel a house. Daniel worked for my dad while trying to accomplish the home renovating task on his own. I became depressed experiencing reverse culture shock. I felt sad I had a nice car to drive, a closet of clothes that immediately felt out of style and access to anything I would ever need. I was vying with several others for a substitute position, as no permanent teaching positions were available. My carefree missionary life had officially ended.

 

Those months were a blur. Our house was finished, and we got married. I remember waking up the next morning with a pit in my stomach wondering why I wasn’t overjoyed. Where was this honeymoon stage everyone talked about? Satan took a seat in my thoughts to tell me I married the wrong person, and it was too rushed. Our life in Costa Rica didn’t resemble real life in the states, so maybe we didn’t know each other at all. Daniel started medical school two weeks after our wedding. While he spent his days commuting and studying all hours, I worked four jobs. We were in over our heads trying to survive. I felt I had been ripped off. I thought he wasn’t meeting any of my needs as a wife.

 

Over time, we began fighting about everything. We once believed we had so much in common, but we concluded we had nothing in common at all. Our fights would last days, sometimes turning into weeks and months. Today we can better show appreciation for one another’s efforts, but at that time if I felt my housework was being undervalued, I would go on strike. Even after several years, we would cry at the feeling of being trapped in a marriage that neither of us wanted to be in. We felt convicted about our commitment to marriage and God, but we concluded this was our only reason for staying together and we would likely die unhappy and regretful.

 

I grew up knowing the Lord and feeling the clear presence of the Holy Spirit. I never rebelled, made decent decisions even in college and married a man I met on the mission field. So how did I end up in this situation? I found myself hoping something horrible would happen—maybe he would have an affair or hit me—to give me a way out. It sounds terrible to admit now, but it is truthfully how I felt. Even while attending church every Sunday, ultimately teaching full-time at a Christian school and doing personal devotions, that season was so dark. I often cried out to God saying, “Lord, please fix this. I promise if you give us a redemptive story, I will tell it.” I prayed that prayer numerous times. I continued telling myself there had to be a reward for our faithfulness to this marriage, but I was unable to view our situation outside my own eyes. I felt he was a horrible person and I had done nothing to deserve this life.

 

What I was unable to see at the time, is I married a coastal Carolina boy who grew up fishing and surfing, and later left the tropics of Costa Rica to move to Michigan. His first month in Michigan was January, not exactly the best month to get acquainted with this state. He was thrown into a remodel project he had no idea how to do. In a very short time, he had to become familiar with my dad’s power tools and get to work. He was also depressed and felt he left the mission field prematurely, because of our desire to be married. He not only moved to “snowville,” but a town housing my entire extended family, not knowing a single person outside of them. Once he started medical school, the weight of studying, along with not wanting to live in Michigan anymore and our marital struggles, put him over the edge. He was in a bad place too. Who do you turn to when your life is falling apart and you are moving at 100 miles per hour just to keep going? I can honestly say we both knew Jesus during this time but didn’t lean on Him the way we could have. I felt I couldn’t tell anyone how bad things really were because I didn’t have a safe person to share that with—someone who would still love me and love Daniel the same afterward. Who wants to share this stuff anyway? I was in my 20s and my friends were all getting married, so I chose to keep it to myself. I didn’t feel confident if our parents knew how bad it really was and how intense our fighting was, they would support us staying together.

 

Four years into marriage, we thought we should do the thing every couple should do when barely holding on…have a baby. Although that’s not the recommended route, for us it was truly remarkable. All disagreements and differences aside, one thing we could agree on was the indescribable love we had for our baby girl, Alexa. The desire to figure this marriage thing out became a priority again. Due to several bad counseling experiences, we didn’t want to try that again, yet our marital routines required desperate change. Two months after Alexa was born, we moved to Grand Rapids to start residency. I was content with my new role. Mothering came naturally to me even though being a wife did not. We were excited about a fresh start. His role as a financial provider for our family filled a void in his confidence we didn’t realize had been there.

 

After his first day of residency orientation he said, “There were two ladies talking about this thing for wives, like a Bible study thing, and you should totally go.”

 

That Bible study was Side By Side, a ministry of CMDA for medical wives. And those ladies were Erin and Paula, and they became a great support. I don’t remember feeling unsure, rather completely confident in my need to be there.

 

At that time, our Side By Side chapter consisted of around 10 women. I remember sitting in a small circle on the floor sharing prayer requests and sobbing. I told them things had been bad in our marriage for years. Although I don’t remember exact words, I likely said something about how he never took care of me the way I thought a husband was supposed to and I had no one to turn to. I remember them nodding their heads, listening sweetly and saying things like, “We know.” “It’s going to be ok.” “We know exactly what you are saying, this is normal when your husband is in healthcare.” They asked how he was adjusting to all the medical journey entailed, and I had a huge realization. I never considered he was having a hard time too. I spent years focusing on myself and missed the opportunity to support him during the hardest time in his life. I have come to peace now but deeply regretted that season for several years.

 

I made myself believe our situation was unique, therefore something must be wrong with us, because everyone else seemed so perfect and happy. When I came to Side By Side, I realized there was nothing unique to ours, but unique to medical marriages. I began spending every Wednesday morning surrounded by women choosing to love and serve their husbands, even when getting nothing in return, and encouraging other wives to do the same.

 

It was not a place to bash my husband and I did not want to, but I could come and cry, and I would leave each week feeling renewed and encouraged. Our husbands are given a gift in medicine—to serve and love people through it—sometimes meaning they might not have much left when they get home. I now understand this. Our leader at that time was Jan Dudley who spoke so much wisdom and truth into my life (and still does today). She loved me and loved Daniel. On a couple of occasions, she and her husband Ken met with both of us to work out issues we struggled to resolve on our own.

 

Things didn’t change overnight, even with our “if there’s a will, there’s a way” mentality. He still had four years of residency and we had two more children during it, but Satan didn’t have a place in my mind anymore. There was no room for his lies. I know I married the right person. Daniel is honest, faithful and works harder than anyone I know. He loves our children dearly, and he desires to take care of me and give us a good and happy life. A lot has been sacrificed in the journey of pursuing the call of medicine.

 

Now in his eighth year as an attending physician, he wakes up daily to read his Bible and journal his prayers. He never misses that time. If he is called in for a delivery in the middle of the night, he takes his Bible with him, knowing all the success in this world will only come from his reliance on Jesus and does not want to start his day without Him. The fruit of this habit has been evident in him and a reward for our whole family. I love the man he is and have no doubt he is who God chose for me to spend my life with. I look forward to him coming home at night and truly enjoy spending time with him.

 

Things still aren’t very easy for us and may possibly never be. Marriage is hard! We are still two incredibly different people, trying hard, but it is still good. My source of happiness is not Daniel, and I am not his. We tried that and it didn’t go well. We are surrounded by loud voices in our culture, wanting us to believe the pursuit of happiness is most important, within our control and we deserve it. They want us to believe divorce is an option because it’s better for everyone, leading countless people to chase something they will never find. I wish at 23 I had the wisdom to serve, forgive and love unselfishly. However, we all have a story, and this is mine. I now love mentoring young people about marriage expectations, because we often marry unaware of what is to come.

 

In her book titled What Is It Like to Be Married to Me?, author Linda Dillow writes, “Some couples have low maintenance marriages, some medium, and others high-maintenance marriages. Mine has been of the high variety. My wonderful husband Jody and I are not just different—we are wildly different. Jody is an introvert, I’m an extrovert. Jody is a thinker, I’m a feeler.” This paragraph has encouraged me so much over the years. Instead of choosing to spend her time dwelling on their differences, she chose to write several books encouraging people in their relationships with Jesus and in their marriages. Daniel and I are also wildly different, and we have learned to make a great team because of it. If he were just like me, he would drive me nuts! I believe all good things require some work and effort. We have four beautiful children together and celebrated our 16th anniversary this spring. I am forever grateful the Lord has been gracious to us through redeeming our marriage. He protected us from poor decisions when we were in desperation. All the joys in this life I get to experience with our sweet family would have been missed if I had thrown the towel in too soon. Thank you, Lord, I did not!

 

“Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—those he redeemed from the hand of the foe” (Psalm 107:2).

 

Learn More

With Side By Side chapters in over 90 communities across the world, women can connect, love and pray for each other, while encouraging one another in their personal relationships with Jesus Christ. Side By Side focuses on supporting, challenging and uplifting medical marriages to bring glory to Jesus, while positively impacting daily life and fostering deep relationships with each other, our husbands and our Lord. We are a CMDA ministry for women who are married to medical and dental students, residents, fellows and staff physicians and dentists. To learn more about CMDA’s Side By Side ministry, visit cmda.org/sidebyside.

 

About the Author

Stacey has been married to her husband Daniel, an OB/Gyn, for 16 years. They reside in Michigan with their four children and goldendoodle. Stacey homeschools their children and loves the adventure and flexibility their schedule allows, along with lots of opportunities to teach them about Jesus. When she is not teaching her kids or snuggled up reading a book to them, you can find her outside either in a flower bed, playing on the lake with her family, taking care of their chickens or doing a fun house project with Daniel. Being a stay-at-home mom and spending time with family has filled her life with lots of joy.